Sunday, February 27, 2005

The London Underground Explained!

In 1798 a chap called Ralph Todd attempted to build a tunnel under the Thames between Tilbury and Gravesend. It was a bit of a cock-up as he first ran into quicksand, then ran out of money (superb project management).

The London Underground has come a long way since then: 274* stations, 3,900 trains, and 942 million passengers each year.

For the geeks out there:

  • Busiest station: Victoria with over 85 million passengers per year.
  • Lowest Station: Two options here: Westminster Jubilee line is 105ft below sea level; but Hamstead is 192ft below surface level.
  • Longest tube line: Central line (46miles)
  • Furthest station away from central london: Amersham (27 miles)
*the Transport for London website claims that there are 275 stations; this is not the case - they have just closed Heathrow Terminal 4 (it will reopen in 2006 though).

So what to talk about? I could talk about the history of the underground, but you can find that here, I could amaze you with my knowledge of rolling stock but (a) you would all take the piss and (b) you can learn all about it here. For the hardcore drinkers I could tell you about the Circle line pub crawl, but, would you believe it - someones got a website about that too.

So what I am going to do is give you my top ten(sorry, nine) tips for surviving the underground:

  1. Do not talk, do not make eye contact. Talking, laughing, smiling or making eye contact are simply not done on the underground. A great example of this rule in practice was when Tony Blair made the faux pas of attempting to talk to a passenger on the Jubilee line who, much to the ammusement of the press pack, stuck to ettiquette and completely ignored him.
  2. Remember the tube map is schematic The map bears very little geographical relationship to where the stations are and even less geographical information on how far apart stations are. In Bill Bryson's "Notes From a Small Island", Bryson observes that an out-of-town visitor using the map to get from Bank Station to Mansion House, would quite understandably board a Central Line train to Liverpool Street, transfer to the Circle Line and continue for another five stops to Mansion House. At which point they would emerge 200 yards down the street from the location they'd started at.
  3. Mind the gap Curved platforms can lead to rather large gaps between the train and the platform. In a bid to avoid loosing customers down 'the gap' tannoy announcements warn alighting passengers at stations where the gap is particuarly large (e.g Waterloo). When I was a lad, there was a loud shouty man doing the announcements. He has since been replaced with Sonia (so called because she gets sonia nerves)
  4. Don't fall asleep Take it from me, waking up at Uxbridge at 1am and realising there are no more trains back into London until 0545 is not a nice experience.
  5. Surviving the Barriers Here's how they work. (1) Put your ticket in (2) Unless it is the end of your journey you habe to take your ticket out of the slot on top of the barrier (3) Barrier opens (4) Walk through. If the ticket does not work, do not keep retrying it, it will not magicaly start working again. Contact staff to open the barrier for you. Brute force does not work (although it can be amusing for your fellow travellers to watch).
  6. Never change at Bank for Monument. Just don't. Take my word for it.
  7. Take Water/Fan in the summer In the Summer the tube gets very, very hot. Carry water with you, and only use the tubes if you really have to. A recent competition encouraging the public to come up with inventive ways of cooling the network generated various initiatives, my favourite being: "Crank up the power on the London Eye, and make it an oversized fan." Genius.
  8. Walk! (covent garden to Leicester square) Covent Garden and Leicester Square stations on the Picadilly line are only 0.16miles apart. By the time you factor in the stairs, corridors and escalators involved, it really is much faster to walk.
  9. Exception to the no talking/no eye contact rule Most rules have exceptions, and this one is no different. Circle line parties are that exception. The object of a circle line party is to get a group of like minded people together and organise a tube train party. Key things to remember are (a) there are no toilets so drink spirits rather than lager (b) the poles ideal for pole dancing competitions (c) when the train is in a station stay quiet and look innocent...